Welcome to a new series of resources from OSCPA and Applegate Talent Strategies LLC. Over the coming months, you’ll have access to this specialized content designed to help you lead, manage and transform your teams.
In moments of confrontation, dropping the “but” keeps trust intact and shows you value the other person’s courage to speak up.
What made sense then
When someone confronted you about something you’d said or done, “Yes, but…” may have felt like the right move. You could acknowledge their point (“yes”) while clarifying your intent or adding context (“but”). It seemed like a fair way to show you were listening while still explaining yourself.
Why it falls short today
In reality, “Yes, but…” signals conditional agreement. It often negates the “yes” entirely, making it sound like you’re more interested in defending yourself than understanding the other person’s experience. In moments where feedback already feels personal—where your values, judgment, or character feel questioned—this reflex can come across as dismissive, condescending, or defensive. Then and now, it damages trust and shuts down honest dialogue.
What works now
When someone tells you your words or actions landed poorly, resist the “but.” Stop at yes. Try: “Thank you for telling me.” Then pause. Let their feedback stand without qualification or immediate defense. This doesn’t mean you agree with every detail—it means you value their courage to speak up and you’re willing to reflect before responding.
ACTION
For leaders of leaders. Model the behavior first. When you’re confronted with feedback, respond without defensiveness—let your “yes” stand on its own. Then, coach your managers to do the same. Role-play common scenarios so they can see, hear, and feel the difference this approach makes.
For leaders of teams. This week, if someone gives you feedback that feels uncomfortable, respond with: “Thank you for telling me.” Then stop. Don’t explain. Don’t justify. Just listen.
For yourself. Track your own “yes, but,” “what about,” and “yeah, but” moments this week—especially in tough conversations. When you catch one, reframe it on the spot: drop the “but” and let the acknowledgment stand.
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